Secretly falling apart

Whilst making myself a morning cup of tea, I shuffled my meditation card deck. Picked a random card. It read, “Why are you holding yourself together?” The same card I got yesterday. This is significant!

There’s something spooky about this pack of cards. I’m not totally sure where the ideas came from, it was as if they were spoken to me by angels. Each card has a message, and each message can be interpreted in a couple of ways, depending on the reader. But every time, they hit home. And this message was finding some resistance. I was missing something, there was something I didn’t want to acknowledge.

Getting back into bed with my cup of tea, I grabbed my laptop, an idea was forming in my mind… Just then I noticed the song I’d been singing to myself. “I’ll put a spell on you, you’ll fall asleep, and I’ll put a spell on you… I’ve been secretly falling apart…”

Oh fuck… I looked at the computer clock, and it was 9:11 am. How many clues do I need?!

So what now? Do I consciously plunge head first into the nervous breakdown?

The problem suddenly revealed itself. I don’t trust the world to take care of me. I can’t fall apart, or at least I can’t let on that I’m falling apart. Who would run the show? Who would get things done? … As if I’m getting anything done. I’m just sitting here watching the world fall apart…

And that’s nothing new. We saw it coming 30, 40, 50 years ago. Some of us have been watching this shit show for several decades.

But I’d never completely given up before. I’d always been secretly working to hold it all together. Ahh… I see… Maybe it’s all supposed to fall apart. “I’ll put a spell on you, you’ll fall asleep…”, The lyrics of the song get louder in my head.

Now the voice of Alan Watts starts playing in my head. “Back in the 70’s, Hundreds of the best scientists and thinkers in the world got together, to try and figure out how to solve the crisis. But every potential solution raised further possible problems. Slowly it dawned on some of us, Man had to step back, let go. Let nature do her thing, and sort herself. We were only getting in the way”.

How many times have you found yourself trying to solve a problem, and overthinking it and getting nowhere? Only to find, the moment you let go, stop thinking, suddenly the solution comes, as if from nowhere, as if angels descended and wrote the words on your mind. Is this not where ideas come from?

Trust. It’s a big issue for modern humans. If I stop thinking about everything then it’ll all fall apart!

How will you ever discover the beautiful and mysterious force that’s really running the show if you never stop pretending that you’re the one doing it?

She gazed at the words on the screen, she’d written them as if they were for someone else, but reading them now, she slowly realised they were for her. Everything she’d ever written, it was for her. Tears welled up behind her eyes, yet she forced herself to continue writing… “I don’t have time to cry”, she thought to herself. “I’m in the middle of this…”

“I’ll put a spell on you, you’ll fall asleep…”

I can’t fall asleep, everything’s falling apart. I need to stay alert!

I don’t trust that nature can take care of itself…

Reading back those lines I laughed out loud at the arrogance. Nature, can’t take care of itself? Oh fellow humans, how conceited are we?

Nature has been taking care of business for … oh … how many billions of years… ? I forget. And we come along and build our anthill and kid ourselves that we’re running the show…

Thoughts about all the science books and videos and documentaries flood my mind, little mankind building rockets to space, and machines to carry our sleeping corpses forever into eternity. Whilst the dew settles effortlessly on the leaf of the tree, every morning, even as the machines come, as they rip the body, roots an all, strip it bare, and lay it neatly down in a pile with all the rest… A billion years of life, torn from the ground. Lifeless, naked, ready to be pulverised for our consumption.

But it’s okay, we’re going to build ourselves a big fat shiny floating ship in the sky. And it’ll provide for all our needs. Just like in Star Trek… Because our representations of reality are always so accurate.

I feel overwhelmed with cynicism. I was drinking my tea without even tasting it. That’s never a good sign. The pain in my tooth reminded me to slow down.

Soon it would be over. They were going to kill the nerve. The best part of £1000 was going to perform magic that the regular dentist could not.

For over four years now, I’ve been in pain. I’ve seen several dentists and already shelled out so much money for treatments I probably didn’t need, because the one problem, the problem I said in the first place, was too unlikely. No one wanted to fix it, the infection in the root, the root of the big back tooth. Yes, it was rotten all the way down. And no body wanted to acknowledge it. So many metaphors I feel dizzy!

So now we have to trust each other, when we know all too well, what liars and cheats and miscreants we are. Even the best of us…

My curtains flutter in the breeze and distract my dark thoughts. Yes, let it go. There is a pebble out there, somewhere in the black abyss, with our name on it. Sooner or later we’re toast… Speaking of which… I’m hungry, it’s breakfast time…

I’m way too hard on everyone, including myself. We’re only human, flawed and broken, trying to do our best, with good intentions… Why do I think I know better… ?

Because I listen to the angels? Sometimes, and whatever they are, they seem to have a clearer vision of reality. I’d be considered crazy, but I’d be in good company…

I’m just bitter, it seems like all my life I’ve been dealing with professionals and authorities who don’t listen, who aren’t able to see what’s right in front of them, who are more interested in parroting their programming than engaging with reality… So yes my cynicism has a history.

Now the question is, can I forgive? Because if I can’t let it go, then I’m just the same, distracted by my conditioning. I have to comprehend it all. I need to understand everything, so that I can be okay with the horror!

Why did we do it? Is it because we were afraid, is it just all for safety? Little fangless, clawless, skinny creatures. All we had was this cunning intellect. We could figure things out, and thus cheat our way to the top of the food chain. And so hundreds of thousands of years of repetition brought us to this?

So how does a species grow beyond thousands of years worth of conditioning?

Slowly… “Patience, dear frustrated one”, said the voice in my head.

Maybe some global event with profound life changing consequences will happen, that’ll make everyone sit up and pay attention. It’ll shake things up so much and make everyone question authority and the habit of parroting the programming. It’ll force people to really listen to one another and to nature. People will have to trust one another… We’ll have to start listening again to the angels…

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