Crumbs under your feet

I grew up with a mother who kept a very tidy house, so after I left home and started living with other people, the experience of crumbs under foot was incredibly annoying. 

“Why don’t people tidy up after themselves?” – “Can’t you feel the crumbs on the floor, the sticky worktops, can’t you see the grime around the sink, the rim around the bath, can’t you smell the piss stains in the rug?”

It took a while, but eventually I would succumb to the grimier life. 

…No wait… That’s actually not true, it still pisses me off. But now I can afford an army of cleaners to walk behind everyone I interact with… 

They come in waves, the first wave to deal with any immediate and obvious dirt, then a second wave to sweep away the dust of the first wave and catch anything missed.

Like waves of adrenaline rushing through your mind, they irritate the unclean surfaces, unsettling the filthy languid balance. 

There would be no soil and thus, no life, no vegetation, no animal to speak of, if nature employed the same army of cleaners. Instead nature has her own army of cleaners, ants, beetles, worms,  dogs… Vacuuming up the fallen decaying pieces of life. Processing it all into … soil. 

Soil. The pure golden alchemical, magical organism. Bringing life to this otherwise barren bare rock. Soil, in its various forms, basically the excrement of hard working creatures, essentially feeding themselves, and in the process building the foundation of all life on this planet.

Bacteria – so many million bacteria in the guts of those worms and beetles and dogs, and in us too. In fact we’re mostly made up of it. I think it forms a good 80% of all living creatures. Don’t quote me on that, but I know it is a high number, the rest is what? Minerals and gasses and metals and carbon. But we’re mostly bacteria. Not silicon (yet).

So when I think to myself “I’m hungry, I need to process and digest some organic life forms”. What I actually mean is. The bacteria of which I’m mostly composed is requesting this ‘big animal’ to feed itself so that they, the bacteria can gorge themselves, giving off “happy” chemicals in the process. Until the ‘big animal’ feels satiated. 

How much of me is actually Me? What even is ‘Me’?

As I’ve discussed in numerous posts, and to sum it up, I’d say that the ‘Me’ to which we’re referring here is actually some kind of ghost, mostly made up of memories of past experiences, patterns of behaviour, similar to software running in a biological brain machine. All imagined by consciousness itself.

And then there is the Me that is aware of all that. Not that we can really identify with that Me, because it’s more like simply just the awareness itself. It can be aware of itself, there is awareness of being aware. Yet in that, there is no attachment to the Me-ness(*). There is awareness of the Me-ness, and awareness that this Me-ness is related to the experiences felt by the awareness. So in that sense the Me-ness is some aspect of the process of this awareness. But it is not the awareness itself.

In the same way the crumbs on the floor are related to the upbringing of the individuals responsible for their presence. The lack of awareness, the ignorance, the blatant disregard for the sensitive feet of others… is also part of the process of this individuals awareness. Yes – the lack of awareness is part of their awareness. Just as a hole is part of the object in which it resides. [The hole is part of the whole.] 

Our shadows, our inabilities, our lacking features are essential aspects of our whole Self, just as much as the positive qualities. 

Our psychological relationship to the soil is telling. We call it dirt, and shun it from our ‘holy’ places. (Maybe that’s why they’re holy!) We ban it from our kitchens and living spaces. And wiobetide any dirt that makes its way onto our bodies!

We feed ourselves with the fruits of the dirt, whilst cursing its very existence. 

Our relationship to dirt is key to our mental wellbeing.

The schism in the human mind at the root of our war on nature and on consciousness is this attitude to dirt. And in child psychology it’s discussed as potty training.

It’s a form of low level shame working deeply in the unconscious mind, and it makes people prickly, uptight and pompous and arrogant and selfish and manipulative. And ultimately it inspires the desire for power and control. Yes all our politicians are afraid of poo… And that is why everyone else has to deal with the shit they create… 

But I think that’s another blog… That’s all for now, thanks for your attention 🙂

(*) Note – There can be attachment to this me-ness, and this forms our sense of self identity. However if one continues with the awareness, the various qualities of the me-ness are prone to change. Which gives rise to the paradox of how can I always be me, and yet always be changing…

We got stuck in a binary dualistic thought loop.

Why are we fucked as a species?

Because we see things in black and white, yes and no. We expect the world to always act like the map we’ve drawn for it. But our map is two dimensional, and the world is multi dimensional.

There aren’t always just two paths. So we’re not fucked? Not yet… Not if we manage to transcend our dualistic mindset.

How to transcend our dualistic conditioning?

We must realise who we are.

We must become one with the I at the centre of imagination.

The I mage.

The I is the magician who conjures the world into existence. I is the seer who creates the form from the formless. I is the shaper of worlds.

I wants to speak.
This is I. (Pointing to self)
This also is I. (Pointing to you)
Wherever I is there are ideas
Ideas are dear, to the heart.

We love ideas. And our ideas manifest the world.
This stuff (slaps hand on desk) is mailable. The stuff of things, this matter matters, because we can shape it into whatever we need. We shape it, mould it with our minds and hands into forms. To our will. I gives birth to form. Brings forth a world of form and formula. To give meaning, to create reason.

I manifests reason.
Now – Do we know this I?
Do we know the I that creates the world?
Because we must. It is imperative that the conditional self transcends its habitual nature and realises the I that is shaping everything.

I must transcend the duality that binds me, that blinds me.

I (gesturing to the self and to the world) transcends the boundaries of centuries old conditioning, when I realise that I is everywhere and every when simultaneously.

And this hinges on being curious. Really open to the full potential of what might be possible.

While mind limits itself by training I to stick to certain repetitive patterns, then the outcomes are inevitable. The future is only determined if we are so predictable that we carve our own demise into the fabric of time itself.

On the other hand, we do possess the imagination to break free from our limited vision of who and what we are.

The truth is that we exist in an invisible ocean of unlimited potential.
So can I manifest a beautifully inspiring reality? Because when we look at what I is currently doing with the world we see that I could do with a bit of inspiration!

I is stuck in a death grip with I. Whilst I pretends I is not at war, “The war is someone else’s doing…” ?

I am at war. Own it, say it, admit it. I am at war.
And I want to break free.
I want to break free…
God knows…


And war is a mindset, an attitude one is having. Something I is doing. A deeply ingrained repetitive pattern. One is stuck in.

The pattern is the way of seeing the world. As something separate, as separate things I names.

I labels (stuff) and it becomes trapped in space and time and meaning.
To be free of this war-like mindset one must become free of the narrative that conditions the way we see and understand our world.

Understand that meaning is a function of narrative.

And narrative is imagined by I.

And when I is captivated by its own narrative, I has cast a spell on itself.

I is hypnotised by its own magic, by It’s own narrative which it has weaved about the world.

Huh? We told a story, such a great story, we became captivated by it, we believed it so profoundly that it became real for us.

But now that story has turned into a living nightmare.

And so it is time to wake up.

To end the nightmare.

I must awaken to its own doing.

I is not separate, I is me, I is you, I is all of us. I is reading this because I has written this.

And I is creating this world by imagining it, by labelling it, separating it, judging it, condemning it. Conditioning it. Imprisoning it. Killing it.

War is the way I has known for a long time. This mindset of dualistic thinking. If it’s not right then it must be wrong. If it’s not good then it must be bad. This is the right way to write a book, to make a cake, to live my life…

When I is awake, such binary thinking ceases.

And when binary thinking stops, war stops. Because war is the inevitable outcome of such binary thinking.

No matter how we dress it, in fancy political jargon, and spin it out into such hypnotic narratives. “It’s those other guys at fault!”…

The conditioning of the dualistic mind cleaves in only one way, and that way is war.

For thousands of years we have been stuck in this mindset.

Now on the brink of total destruction, I has the opportunity to awaken.

To a non dual mindset.

A way of being that does not limit the outcome to I win you lose.

Because an awakened I can see the unlimited potential before it.

We swim in an ocean of unlimited potential.

I is watching, I is waiting, patiently for I, to fall in love with I.

My Theory Of Everything

My Theory Of Everything

The concepts by which we interpret the world – determine the world.

So when we realise that it’s quite possible to derive whole new alternative interpretations to explain our world, we’re presented with the observation that, what actually sits at the very base of our understanding is in fact, the very process of cognition itself. 

The way we imagine the world, determines the world.

And our imagination, our beliefs, theories, concepts, ideas, etc, mesh and interact and feedback on each other, to generate a seemingly solid representation of reality. And yet all of that sits on this very fragile layer of perception, interpretation, imagination. 

Do we collectively imagine the world into existence? 

If we unpick the cornerstone of scientific inquiry, “Observation”, we have to admit that this pillar of causality is grounded on nothing more than our ability to describe mental maps of what we experience. The whole process of observation, description, interpretation, relies on our ability to imagine the interactions taking place in these mental maps. At no point can any mental activity take place without this cognitive process of imagining. We refer to it as “Thinking”. And we naively assume this activity to be partisan. Yet it colours and forms the very experience of observation itself. In reality we do not see anything in the world, we do not see the screen before us, we imagine it. The mind formulates it in a space beyond conceptual awareness. 

To the extent that these mental maps may or may not actually represent the interactions we “observe” as the ‘real world’, we can never really know for sure. However we do know that these maps affect and effect the way we experience this world. 

Therefore, for science to hold any currency at all, it must acknowledge that at its core there is a deep mystery. It is in fact this mystery, this awareness, this “knowing that we do not know” that inspires us to continue asking questions and investigating the world around us. Showing us that there are indeed many possible ways of interpreting the data which our eyes, ears and other senses feed from in order to draw our maps of reality.

Maps of understanding painting images of an always evolving, unfolding world. I personally find this view rather humbling. And it fills me with a sense of responsibility, knowing that the way I interpret the data, the attitude I take toward the observations I make, the choices I make as to where I put my attention… all feed into what kind of maps I will create of the world… which in turn feed into what kind of world I will help to co-author. We are all co-authors of this reality. And to acknowledge that gives us back our power, and also makes us equally partially responsible for the world in which we all collectively co-create.

There is a continued self development here, as the world continuously reflects back to us aspects of our co-creation that cause discomfort or suffering or disharmony. Ripples of discord present as areas of intense attention where cognition is acting to acquire deeper understanding.

*** To be continued…

Mass Formation Hypnosis

Why do members of a cult go out of their way to defend their group, even when this group is obviously acting against their best interests?

For several years now I’ve been fascinated by the subject of group think, or mob consciousness. Our history is full of accounts where medium to large communities, sometimes even whole countries have acted as if they were under a spell, operating on some emotionally charged crusade, with a single minded objective, often with confusing and contradicting underlying motivations, unable to gain a wider perspective on reality.

In retrospect it’s always easier to notice, with the benefit of being able to step back from the situation and see with a birds eye view.

What might cause a person to begin to suspect they’re living in a cult?

If you’ve been brought up from birth indoctrinated in the ways of the group, what might lead you to question your community?

  [ “Lauren Drain quickly became the black sheep of the family when she was ostracised from the Westboro Baptist Church. This banishment was reportedly due to her “questioning elements of church doctrine.” Lauren reported in a reddit AMA that she spoke up about inconsistencies in the doctrine to her parents and was met with extreme opposition. She was called a divisive and a liar. Lauren also revealed that the Westboro Baptist Church used scare tactics to prevent members from leaving by telling them that God would kill them if they left.” ][1]

Noticing inconsistencies, feeling unable to question rules or ideas, being mocked or put down, or shamed for saying things that don’t fit with the group consensus. These are some things that might trigger a person to begin questioning their community. 

And yet even when rules or ideas don’t make sense, still many people will go out of their way to defend those same rules and ideas.

[…. “Contemporary cultic groups, which do not have the power of the state at their disposal, have more in common with this brand of thought reform than with the POW variety in that they rarely employ physical coercion. In order to control targets, they must rely on subterfuge and natural areas of overlap between themselves and prospects. As with all Korean era thought reform programs (those directed at civilians and at prisoners), however, contemporary cultic groups induce dependent states to gain control over recruits and employ psychological (sometimes physical) punishment (“dread”) to maintain control. The process, in my view, can be briefly described by a modified “DDD syndrome”: deception, dependency, and dread.” ….][2]

Tactics such as gaslighting, emotional blackmail, inducing states of dependence, promoting constant fear and or states of terror or anxiety, ‘dread’.

If a person feels that the world beyond the community is too frightening, then any security offered is enough to keep them within the fold, no matter how much doubt or suspicion a person might have due to inconsistent rules or beliefs.

As human mammals our survival, safety and security is paramount, even if it means giving up on sanity, rationale and truth.

What are the lengths people will go to in order to maintain their connection with the group?

[“One of the most famous studies of obedience in psychology was carried out by Stanley Milgram, a psychologist at Yale University. He conducted an experiment focusing on the conflict between obedience to authority and personal conscience.

Milgram (1963) examined justifications for acts of genocide offered by those accused at the World War II, Nuremberg War Criminal trials. Their defence often was based on “obedience” – that they were just following orders from their superiors. …][3]

Although we might not think the subjects of this experiment were part of a cult, we can see how the same obedience to authority is at play. With the ‘doctor’ or ‘teacher’ replacing the role of cult leader. The outcome is the same, people obeying authority figures without question. 

Could this happen on a global scale?

Never before in the history of our world have we had global mass communication technology. The ability to spread a single message to over 60% of the world population via internet and television media. 

During the early months of 2020 we saw the entire world paying close attention to one singular event. The mind of the world was focused on one thing. Everyone was put into a state of fear and ‘dread’. Everyone looking for some ‘authority’ or ‘expert’ (leader) to take control and make us feel ‘safe’. Then came the lockdowns. The punishment we had to endure in order to deserve our reward. We had to ‘obey’.

All the elements of hypnotic induction and cult-like group obedience shared via mass media. It was almost inevitable.

If this had been some mastermind plan to enrol humanity into a worldwide cult, then it would have been a stroke of genius. However we need not believe in a mass conspiracy. All we need are the right elements to come together as they clearly did.

[…”Anyone who can focus their attention, who has a good imagination or who can become emotionally aroused, will, at many points in time, enter trance. We are in a self-induced trance whenever we are highly emotionally aroused in what is usually thought of as a negative way: anger, fury, hatred, fear, anxiety, worrying, depression, envy, greed, selfishness – all such emotions cut us off from our thinking brains and give us a locked-in, limited view of reality….][4]

[…”When something confusing happens, the ‘attention gates’ of our minds open wide. We become confused when the mind has nothing to match to, because everything feels unfamiliar and unexpected or beyond our current powers of understanding.“… “So using confusion techniques makes people more suggestible. Ambiguity can mean that when the clear order, so to speak, does come it is more readily accepted….][5]

All that was required next was for the media take on the role of authority, and we have a mass hypnosis, with the media playing the role of cult leader. And what did we see on every TV station. The media telling people what to do, what to think. 24/7 news coverage of fear, followed by the proclamation of a coming saviour, the Vaccine! Democracy was all too quick to leave the building, and before our eyes we begin to witness country by country falling under tyrannical regimes. 

However one thing all cults have in common is that they eventually break down. The group members start to question the inconsistencies in rules and regimes. Leaders become increasingly authoritarian, which in turn triggers deeper rebellion from questioning members. Eventually something has to break, either the leaders push too far and the group self destructs, or the individuals of the group establish a new consensus beyond the old authority. 

It may be that human beings require some form of cultivated community to survive, but when the needs of the group outweigh the needs of the individual then we must ask, who is the group ultimately serving? Is it serving a set of ideas, an ideology, has it lost touch with reality? Or simply serving base drives, as we clearly see with all the profiteering by large companies and billionaires taking good advantage of the current global chaos.

One thing is for sure, to avoid making the same mistakes over and over, we require a deep self awareness. Because as long as we rely on others for authority, we are giving away our personal power. And we’ve seen what governments do with our power, and its never good.





There’s an App for that!

Soon there’ll be an app
That can do what you do.

And this app will be faster and much cheaper than you.
And when they have this app
They’ll have no more use for you.
So listen to these words and realise what you must do.

All that you know and all that you do
When you work for the system or go to the loo
It’s all quite mechanical, it all very routine
So dig deep into your soul
Create something unique and unseen.

The app can do this, the app can do that
The app will know everything you’ve told it
You see, every time you interact with AI
It’s learning your ways, it’s learning your life.

So don’t act like a robot
Stop being so dull
It can never be you
If you’re mysterious and stop being so predictable.

The app will never tell funny jokes
Or sing random songs for fun when out picking daisies.
The app might count faster, or drive safer, or pack boxes seven a dozen
But it’ll never fall in love and marry its cousin.

So do all these random things
That make you more than just the sum of your parts,
And smile when your dog farts
And your car no longer starts.

For you are a human
Not an app
Not pretend
Not a robot, not a cyborg
But a nature made friend.

The end.

What happens when we die?

Information takes up physical space

It’s incredibly small, but nevertheless, it seems that information does actually require some physical space in order to exist. 

Previously I’d always assumed that information was not physical, and when you consider how much information you can store on a 1 terabyte hard drive compared to the old days, when storage was huge. 

Yet as storage space increases so too does the amount of information we want to store. Endless super high quality streaming video footage, quantum physics experiment data… is there a limit? Even if we could store one bit of information per atom. The amount of practical space we have access to is finite. Therefore surely the amount of information we can store is also finite? It’s a lot, an unimaginable amount, but ultimately finite.

So what does this say about the ground of all being. If information requires some physical substructure, does this mean that consciousness is not the root of the world after all… ?

Awareness is information.

It’s often thought that awareness, or pure being, or consciousness, is a non physical process, it exists beyond the limits of the physical world.

However awareness itself is a flow of information. And information requires physical space, so even awareness has a physical presence in spacetime. 

It could be that the space required to process the awareness of the universe requires a space the size of the universe. 

All of the information required to create a universe, takes up the space of a universe.

So what happens after you die?

Let’s say that you are information, not only the physical information of your body, but also your mental information, the contents of your mind and all of your experience, there is some other form of information here too, but I’m not sure how to name it.

Now when you die, what happens to all this information? It doesn’t disappear. Physics tells us that information cannot be destroyed, it just changes form. So it continues to exist, but obviously something has changed, there is a radical difference in the form and process of the physical and mental presence. However the information still exists, after all, it is a fundamental law of physics, information cannot be destroyed. But it does transform. And as it transforms it dissipates.  Or we could say, it changes its form of coherence. 

Incoherent information takes the same space as coherent information.

We can experience this when we do a jigsaw puzzle. The final image is just the result of rearranging all the pieces. Yet all the random pieces take up the same space as the final image.

So if we break down your body into random atoms, you would take up the same space, but you would no longer be recognisable as you. 

So it seems that death is a process that causes a significant incoherence in the information that is you. Or rather, death happens as the coherence of the information we associate with (self) becomes no longer coherent. 

And this can be physical death, or psychological death. A person can “seem” dead to another person if the information one knew them by has become significantly incoherent.

But what about the experience from the first person perspective? What does it feel like to die? What does it feel like to experience becoming incoherent?

From the point of view of awareness, I can say that to witness ones own slow transformation toward greater incoherence is quite humbling. Firstly there is the recognition of the tremendous organisation of information required to process this experience of being alive. It truly is quite spectacular. There is also a tremendous sadness, seeing the potential never accomplished. And at the same time, there is some kind of excitement, seeing the possibilities for others partaking in this same journey. What might they accomplish in this world to come?

As the information that holds me together as a coherent process in this world disperses, I become less able to make sense of, and in, this world. Yet another world opens up to me, a world not of sense making, but a world of a more pure experiential quality. It is as if I am seeing beneath the surface of the sense making world, to some underlying sublayer. There are colours but with no names, there are forms, again with no names. Here we have bypassed the naming layer, the part that keeps information coherent, now this information seems to mingle and merge with itself, to bypass boundaries once imposed by the naming coherence. It is possible to experience the incoherence, and it’s not so frightening, there is a sense of awe and wonder, there is an experience of such vastness and incredible majesty. It’s just very different to what we’re normally used to. 

Slipping further into incoherence it becomes difficult to bridge a connection from the experience to my word forming activity… and soon the ability to continue typing … 

There comes a point where coherence with this physical world ends. But I cannot say for sure that at that point awareness ends. It could well be that awareness continues, and perhaps even finds a new form of coherence. I’ve not yet had that experience, so I cannot report on it. But I can certainly entertain the possibility. It feels perfectly feasible. Awareness is very present at the layers beyond words and forms. It’s a strange world, an unspeakable world, but a reality non the less. So to speculate a deeper reality beyond even that, is conceivable.

And of what spaces we will find ourselves in, when we move beyond this world, are journeys of which we can only yet dream…

And to all those who are about to take that journey, I wish god speed and may good angels be your companions. 

When listening moves you.

There is a time for listening, and there is a time for doing.

I have this notion that our culture is still quite immature, and as a people we need to learn much more how to listen, to listen to each other, to listen to the world, to listen to nature and the subtle energies we sometimes refer to as angels. I see all too much how this lack of listening results in brutish insensitivity, the cold, hard, calculating thrust of the “just get it done” mentality.

Interesting side note, the word Brutish is quite similar to the word British… As a British woman, growing up in Britain, I know all too well the cultural stereotype of the “just get it done” mentality.

But this rather brutish attitude leaves little room for reflective, compassionate listening. Rather, it panders to the reactive, subservient, authoritarian ways of just getting on with it. Business as usual. Don’t be so hysterical dear. Just follow the science. Yes sir, three bags full. Doff the cap, whatever you say governor…

Don’t worry about it, the boffins have it all under control, with their mathematics and their quantum computers… So we should just listen when we’re told to, and do what we’re told. Do we really need to inquire into the subtle interplay of listening and doing? Is there really a natural evolution from listening to doing? Or should we just listen to the experts and then act when we’re told to act? When is the right moment to stop listening and start doing?

Yet this is not really an intellectual type of activity. There’s no algorithm, no calculation for determining exactly when is the right moment to move from listening into doing.

There is a branch of science devoted to studying such questions. But I’m not talking about it from a mathematical perspective. I’m coming to this from the perspective of feeling.

We know when a relationship is over. We don’t measure it, or calculate it, or throw a dice. We feel it.

And there’s a similar process at work when we move from listening to doing. From passive to active. Something grows inside us and as a result action naturally unfolds.

Often we look back and wonder where the action came from, and there’s no real answer to that. We say it was just time, just the right moment, it was just meant to be…

Perhaps a quantum computer could calculate the billions of decision vectors to decode the precise moment of the “when”, but I get the feeling that even then, there would be some puzzle, something unknowable about the whole process. And I’m glad about that. Because if we could know exactly when we were going to act, somehow that knowing would get in the way of the action, and it would interfere with it.

When listening moves effortlessly, authentically, into action. Without premeditated calculation, there is a quality to it that is missing when it’s calculated. The clinical decision lacks a deeper resonance with the whole situation. A connection that is only established when listening moves, naturally into doing.

As a natural listener, I find myself inquiring more into the qualities of “doing”, I’m very interested in the turning point, where inaction becomes action.

Often we associate listening with passivity, but if you’ve done a lot of listening, you know how tiring it can be. There is a very active element to really listening. It involves being truly present, open, responsive. Words that reflect activity.

Our culture is very object, physically oriented, and if someone is not frantically moving about, or showing tremendous amounts of strain, then they’re not working hard enough. They’re not “doing” anything!

We have the idea that the clouds just float in the sky, not doing anything. The flowers just bask in the sun, not doing anything. And the Beas… well they’re busy of course!

So this objectifying of the world has lead to this concept of “activity” vs “inactivity”.

Like I said, it’s rather immature. Just think a little more deeply, and we can see how much activity goes on beneath the surface, without the need for any show of strain or busyness. A tree doesn’t exhaust itself producing apples… Yet we manage to be exhausting the entire worlds resources in our busy endeavour to just survive.

Is seems that in the same way we’ve been trying to force action from ourselves, we’re trying to force the world into giving us all of its gifts at once. Like a spoiled child receiving a present, so eager to tear the paper off. Perhaps the paper was the gift…

We miss so much in our rush to apparent physical action, most notably, the beauty of the sublime discovery that out of listening alone, true action grows.

And any activity in the world not born from the deep qualities of this listening is actually quite brutish and violent in its nature.

Secretly falling apart

Whilst making myself a morning cup of tea, I shuffled my meditation card deck. Picked a random card. It read, “Why are you holding yourself together?” The same card I got yesterday. This is significant!

There’s something spooky about this pack of cards. I’m not totally sure where the ideas came from, it was as if they were spoken to me by angels. Each card has a message, and each message can be interpreted in a couple of ways, depending on the reader. But every time, they hit home. And this message was finding some resistance. I was missing something, there was something I didn’t want to acknowledge.

Getting back into bed with my cup of tea, I grabbed my laptop, an idea was forming in my mind… Just then I noticed the song I’d been singing to myself. “I’ll put a spell on you, you’ll fall asleep, and I’ll put a spell on you… I’ve been secretly falling apart…”

Oh fuck… I looked at the computer clock, and it was 9:11 am. How many clues do I need?!

So what now? Do I consciously plunge head first into the nervous breakdown?

The problem suddenly revealed itself. I don’t trust the world to take care of me. I can’t fall apart, or at least I can’t let on that I’m falling apart. Who would run the show? Who would get things done? … As if I’m getting anything done. I’m just sitting here watching the world fall apart…

And that’s nothing new. We saw it coming 30, 40, 50 years ago. Some of us have been watching this shit show for several decades.

But I’d never completely given up before. I’d always been secretly working to hold it all together. Ahh… I see… Maybe it’s all supposed to fall apart. “I’ll put a spell on you, you’ll fall asleep…”, The lyrics of the song get louder in my head.

Now the voice of Alan Watts starts playing in my head. “Back in the 70’s, Hundreds of the best scientists and thinkers in the world got together, to try and figure out how to solve the crisis. But every potential solution raised further possible problems. Slowly it dawned on some of us, Man had to step back, let go. Let nature do her thing, and sort herself. We were only getting in the way”.

How many times have you found yourself trying to solve a problem, and overthinking it and getting nowhere? Only to find, the moment you let go, stop thinking, suddenly the solution comes, as if from nowhere, as if angels descended and wrote the words on your mind. Is this not where ideas come from?

Trust. It’s a big issue for modern humans. If I stop thinking about everything then it’ll all fall apart!

How will you ever discover the beautiful and mysterious force that’s really running the show if you never stop pretending that you’re the one doing it?

She gazed at the words on the screen, she’d written them as if they were for someone else, but reading them now, she slowly realised they were for her. Everything she’d ever written, it was for her. Tears welled up behind her eyes, yet she forced herself to continue writing… “I don’t have time to cry”, she thought to herself. “I’m in the middle of this…”

“I’ll put a spell on you, you’ll fall asleep…”

I can’t fall asleep, everything’s falling apart. I need to stay alert!

I don’t trust that nature can take care of itself…

Reading back those lines I laughed out loud at the arrogance. Nature, can’t take care of itself? Oh fellow humans, how conceited are we?

Nature has been taking care of business for … oh … how many billions of years… ? I forget. And we come along and build our anthill and kid ourselves that we’re running the show…

Thoughts about all the science books and videos and documentaries flood my mind, little mankind building rockets to space, and machines to carry our sleeping corpses forever into eternity. Whilst the dew settles effortlessly on the leaf of the tree, every morning, even as the machines come, as they rip the body, roots an all, strip it bare, and lay it neatly down in a pile with all the rest… A billion years of life, torn from the ground. Lifeless, naked, ready to be pulverised for our consumption.

But it’s okay, we’re going to build ourselves a big fat shiny floating ship in the sky. And it’ll provide for all our needs. Just like in Star Trek… Because our representations of reality are always so accurate.

I feel overwhelmed with cynicism. I was drinking my tea without even tasting it. That’s never a good sign. The pain in my tooth reminded me to slow down.

Soon it would be over. They were going to kill the nerve. The best part of £1000 was going to perform magic that the regular dentist could not.

For over four years now, I’ve been in pain. I’ve seen several dentists and already shelled out so much money for treatments I probably didn’t need, because the one problem, the problem I said in the first place, was too unlikely. No one wanted to fix it, the infection in the root, the root of the big back tooth. Yes, it was rotten all the way down. And no body wanted to acknowledge it. So many metaphors I feel dizzy!

So now we have to trust each other, when we know all too well, what liars and cheats and miscreants we are. Even the best of us…

My curtains flutter in the breeze and distract my dark thoughts. Yes, let it go. There is a pebble out there, somewhere in the black abyss, with our name on it. Sooner or later we’re toast… Speaking of which… I’m hungry, it’s breakfast time…

I’m way too hard on everyone, including myself. We’re only human, flawed and broken, trying to do our best, with good intentions… Why do I think I know better… ?

Because I listen to the angels? Sometimes, and whatever they are, they seem to have a clearer vision of reality. I’d be considered crazy, but I’d be in good company…

I’m just bitter, it seems like all my life I’ve been dealing with professionals and authorities who don’t listen, who aren’t able to see what’s right in front of them, who are more interested in parroting their programming than engaging with reality… So yes my cynicism has a history.

Now the question is, can I forgive? Because if I can’t let it go, then I’m just the same, distracted by my conditioning. I have to comprehend it all. I need to understand everything, so that I can be okay with the horror!

Why did we do it? Is it because we were afraid, is it just all for safety? Little fangless, clawless, skinny creatures. All we had was this cunning intellect. We could figure things out, and thus cheat our way to the top of the food chain. And so hundreds of thousands of years of repetition brought us to this?

So how does a species grow beyond thousands of years worth of conditioning?

Slowly… “Patience, dear frustrated one”, said the voice in my head.

Maybe some global event with profound life changing consequences will happen, that’ll make everyone sit up and pay attention. It’ll shake things up so much and make everyone question authority and the habit of parroting the programming. It’ll force people to really listen to one another and to nature. People will have to trust one another… We’ll have to start listening again to the angels…

Fall in love

Usually when we hear people talking about falling in love, they’re talking about something they’ve fallen in love with…

Notice the separation, there is YOU, and there is the SOMETHING you’re in love with. 

Sure it feels great! To be in love feels wonderful, we’re full of energy and joy, and this feeling radiates out into the world affecting everything and everyone we come in contact with. It creates a field of joy around us.

But it’s dependant… If that SOMETHING changes, or dies, or goes away, then so does the love, so does all that joy, and we’re left feeling empty and depressed.

The mistake was to imagine that the energy and joy came from the SOMETHING. Where in fact the energy and joy really comes from your hyper intense interest in the something. It actually comes from YOU. 

YOU are the source of love, not the SOMETHING. So is it possible to just be in love? Not in love WITH anything, just in love?

Yes it is. And here lies the door to a mystery that opens us up to the deeper world. Because this kind of falling in love requires that we pass through the external idea of self, and plunge into the inner actuality of true Self.

And we don’t really know who we are until we’ve fallen into this love. From this place, anything seems possible.

This state of being is something I’ve been practicing for several years. And I appreciate not everyone will understand it, or perhaps even recognise it. I certainly don’t claim to be able to maintain it 100% of the time. Like I said, it’s something I practice. And with practice, we become more tuned.

And when we’re tuned, we play better music !

Love is the transcendental object at the end of time. Love is coming, love is coming to us all… 😉

Theory of parts and wholes

Two ideas. The idea that we are each a part of god, and the idea that we are each a god.

The subtle distinction between these two ideas conveys a deep misunderstanding about the nature of reality.

The early days of science grew out of minds still very much coloured by the hues of religion. The name for the atom came from the Hindu word Atman, meaning indivisible whole, or god. And the misunderstanding of that concept allowed for the mechanical explanation of nature to take hold. The idea that all matter is created from some indivisible fundamental building block gives rise to other concepts. Such as cause and effect and the mechanical forces of nature. These ideas seemed to reflect the world so much so that we were able to use them to calculate the trajectory of the Apollo space flight to the moon, almost. Some adjustments were required to make the theory fit the reality.

Still today, it’s easy to get caught up in those concept of the world. Take the idea of edges and boundaries. When we see a chair, we imagine we’re seeing a separate single indivisible object. Yet the reality is quite different. How many parts make up the chair on which you’re sitting, and if it’s made of wood, how many trees? And if we take a single tree… Where does the tree end and the CO2, water, nutrients, bugs, etc, that go into creating that tree begin. The idea of the tree is not the tree. An actual tree is a whole ecosystem unto itself, and in turn is part of a whole vast ecosystem. The arbitrary lines we draw between objects in order to distinguish them for purposes of language are in fact mental projections. There is no such thing as an individual object. Objects are always part of something else, and always made up of other smaller things. Even the atom… What we often refer to as reality is nothing more than illusion, a projection of an idea of an object over the top of a collection of processes in the real world.

Reducing objects or experiences down into words for the purpose of communication often results in missing out a tremendous amount of information. In the same way a photograph can only capture a two dimensional snapshot of a landscape, our language can only capture a fragment of the actuality of the experience. And yet we’ve come to imagine that our words describe objective reality. Nothing could be further from the truth. Our words are projections, overlays of subjective concepts, which we mask on top of something we never really know or touch. This actual world always remains unknowable to us, and yet it inspires us to constantly try to explain it and perhaps even for some, commune with it.

This can also be seen when interpreting concepts from one language to another. Much is lost, and in some circumstances the whole essence of a concept can be misunderstood. Many spiritual or psychedelic experiences cannot really be reduced to language. Mystical experiences or simply amazingly awesome everyday experiences can be impossible to fully explain. A skilled writer can attempt to convey some of the essence, but the more as we look deeper into reality, the less our words are able to describe the experience. But we can certainly have fun trying.

For example take these two words. Black water. What does the imagination do with them, does the mind create an image that is more than the sum of the two words alone? For some, maybe not, but for anyone with an imagination, I like to think that you had some creative response, perhaps even some emotion came up? If nothing came up for you, then that’s also quite interesting. For some people, certain phrases or word combinations can trigger quite deep meanings or feelings. Other people don’t seem to be so responsive. Take two other words. Mind fuck. This time I bet there is more of a reaction, possibly even a little anger or upset. And yet for others, there might be no reaction whatsoever. Playing with words in this way can be fascinating, it also can make you a lot of money. This is how the advertising industry earns billions every year, by manipulating your mind with words. It’s also how click-bate in the news and media works. But it has far more profound uses.

Take for example the feeling of anxiety. Imagine a situation where you might feel anxious. Now replace the word anxious with the word excited. Think about this situation whilst replacing the word anxious with the word excited. If you’re quite suggestible then perhaps you’re even able to change how to feel about that situation. Over time and repeated use of this technique it is possible to re-hypnotise yourself. Or de-hypnotise yourself. 

Let’s return to our initial opening sentence. Two ideas. The idea that we are each a part of god, and the idea that we are each a god. At first the difference may appear subtle, but in fact the difference is quite profound. The first statement implies that we are part of something greater than ourselves, that there is some organism we belong to, and the functioning of the whole somehow involves our presence and interaction. Whereas the second statement implies that we are separate entities, alone and distinct in the world, nothing really relies on us, and it is ultimately impossible to relate to anyone or anything else. It’s rather a nihilistic perspective. Which one did you relate to the most? 

This second statement carries with it the underlying notion that the western mind has been caught up in for a long time, this feeling of separateness. And it is related to the whole underlying feeling that pervades our scientific concepts. That things are made of separate parts. Atoms, objects, things. When in fact if you really observe the world, you can see yourself that there are no separate things. As we said before, all things are made from smaller things, and in turn are part of larger things. There are no separate objects. The implications of this are profound and quite fascinating. It means our whole approach to medicine is faulty, our whole approach to government is broken, and the way our society is constructed is at odds with the natural oder of things.

When you have a problem with your eye and the doctor only looks at the eye, not taking into account that the body works as a whole system. When in school there is a problem child, and we only focus on that child, ignoring every other aspect of the system, there’s no such thing as a problem child, the child is part of the whole school system, if there is a problem we need to address the whole system. There is no such thing as a criminal, a ‘criminal’ is part of the whole society, and if there is a problem then it’s the whole system that needs to be looked at. This slight change in the way we view the world, seeing ourselves as a part of something greater, changes the whole way we interact with the world.

For some of you, all of that has been very obvious for a long time. Yet for others, they might need some more information. But right now, I’m tired of writing, so that will have to be covered in another post… But if you can think of some examples, feel free to comment… 

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